OMG, I'm so mortified, the police saw the super-absorbent tampons in my purse.

In college, a woman known campus-wide as "Crazy Jenny" sat at the exit of the library and half-heartedly peered into students' bags to make sure they weren't stealing anything with a Dewey Decimal Number on it. Every time I had to open my bag for her, I resented it. Not because it was a huge burden to open my bag, but because it was such obvious bullshit. If I wanted to smuggle out a book, all I had to do was bury it at the bottom of my bag, since she clearly wasn't going to do more than peek into it with one of her crossed eyes.

And now, the DC Metro system is going to deploy a legion of Crazy Jennys to conduct random searches of Metro riders' bags to "to deter terrorist attacks and increase the overall safety of the Metro system."

You can probably HEAR my eyes rolling. I mean, just five months ago the police busted a Metro station manager after she told an undercover police officer that she could hook him up with prostitutes and a sex party for $100. She even used the Metro loudspeaker to pimp. This is the frontline against terrorism?

Metro officials said the new plan to randomly search riders' bags was not in response to a specific threat "but prompted by increased security concerns before next week's election and the inauguration as well as by the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and later bombings of commuter trains in Madrid, London and elsewhere." Helllllllooo, a fucking MONKEY could have figured out that the Metro system is vulnerable to terrorist attacks. And, by the way, it is 2008. If the Metro system is so vulnerable, what the hell have the Metro Powers That Be been doing for the last seven years?

Moreover, the actual program is total B.S. and will do absolutely nothing to make people safer, just more annoyed to be commuting another day to a soul-sucking job in a nascent police state. According to Metro, inspections could take place at any Metro facility at any time. But, just before a random inspection at a specific station, Metro Transit Police will post signs alerting riders to the inspections. Surprise! Not. Individuals who refuse to have their bag or bags inspected will not be allowed to enter the Metro system with those carry-on items, but they will be free to leave the system with their items.

So, a bad guy (or his scouters) notices that Metro is checking every 12th bag or something at Capitol South Metro Station. Instead of taking his statistical chances, he decides to walk 4 blocks to the Federal Center SW Station instead. Duh.

Of course, Metro threw a thinly veiled disclaimer into its press release, just in case people think the program is lame. "If the initiative we are announcing today does nothing more than remind us all that there are people in the world who have vowed to do us harm, and that vigilance is the key to defeating them, then this program will have succeeded."

So, if the program helps instill fear in people, it is a success. Is that what we have come to as a society? As long as people are looking over their shoulders, giving the stink eye to people who look Arab, and assuming that the white powder on the Metro platform is anthrax, then we are all better off?

Right.

Random searches are not going to deter anyone or keep would-be terrorists "off balance." Short of strip-searching everyone on their morning commute, what can we do? Nothing, probably, except cross our fingers and push for foreign policy that doesn't piss people off. That may sound flippant, but I honestly would rather live in a society with risks than in a city dominated by searches, uzis, police tape, roadblocks, and Crazy Jenny.

ADDENDUM: My friend "Sarah Jane" suggested that I carry around a bag with weird stuff in it in case I get searched. Like a bunch of sex toys. Or clumps of hair. Or headless Barbies.