Rorschach Test

Old Navy wants to know: how big of a pervert are you?

That's just how I roll.

I love yoga. Not the touchy-feely kind! God no. I love a yoga class that makes me sweat and my muscles shake. When I have a good yoga class, I feel strong, healthy, and eager to see how far I can push my body. But there's one yoga posture that can erase any goodwill I accumulate about my body in yoga class: the shoulder stand. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I hate it because gravity is not kind. When I lift my legs up and align them over my hips, everything sliiiiiiiides dowwwwwwwwn and forms two solid rolls of fat. And of course, with my chin pressed to my chest, I can do nothing but glare at my fat rolls for a good five minutes. It's like the final showdown scene in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, except without Clint Eastwood and his cigar. I expect a dramatic swell of music as I stare down my blubber.

The irony is, yoga geeks say this posture is supposed to stimulate the thyroid gland and boost metabolism. All it makes me want to do is put on my baggy sweat pants and Google "fat festishism." Or "bulimia."

When did Ikea go all Stanley Kubrick?

I bought a chair from Ikea this weekend. The inside front page of the assembly instructions included the graphic below.

What the hell? This character is like some demented cross between the Schmoo and the masked frequenters of the sex club in Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut.

Why does he have pitchforks for hands? And why is his nose growing out of the side of his head in the 3rd panel?

My grammar skills came later in life.

But how friggin' cute was I?

Things that make you go ew.

I was watching TV last night when I saw a commercial for the PedEgg, a "revolutionary" egg-shaped cheese-grater for feet callouses. As someone with nasty soccer feet, I admit I was semi-intrigued by this commercial.

That is, until the camera zoomed in to show a woman opening up the PedEgg and dumping her skin shavings in the trash can. Seriously, I almost hurled.

The commercial boasts that PedEgg is designed to collect skin shavings in a "convenient storage compartment." Isn't that enough? Do I need an Extreme Close-Up of the skin flakes pouring into the trash can to believe it?

It reminded me of this time I went to the doctor because I couldn't hear out of my ear. The nurse had to irrigate my ear canal to dislodge some waxy build-up (barf) that she caught in a kidney-shaped bowl.

NURSE (after she finished): Do you want to see it?
ME: Um, see what?
NURSE: Your earwax.
ME: No! (pause) Do people often ask to see it?
NURSE: Oh yeah. I get old men in here all the time who want to see the huge chunks that come out of their ears.

I have never been able to shake that visual. And now I have the "cascade of skin flakes" image to keep it company.

Fuck shit cock balls.

Today, the Supreme Court took up a dispute between the television networks and the Federal Communications Commission over whether the government can fine the networks for the "fleeting" use of profanity on live television.

Historically, the FCC held that expletives used in passing did not constitute indecency. Only repeated swearing would trigger indecency charges. Then, in 2003, Bono dropped the F-Bomb during the Golden Globe Awards, saying "This is really, really, fucking brilliant." The FCC freaked out and said broadcasters are liable for even a single profane word heard in programs aired between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.

Not surprisingly, the adjective profane has its roots in religion. It comes from the Latin for "not admitted into the temple" or "out in front of the temple" and evolved to mean "unholy, not consecrated."

As a non-religious person, I find it so odd--so fucking odd--that "we" have deemed certain words to be bad or obscene no matter what the context. I mean, Bono was using the F-Bomb to describe how incredibly awesome something was. But somehow, the F-U-C-K-I-N-G letter combination makes it profane, even though it had nothing to do with the dirty sinful act of The Sex. But if he had said, "This is really, really, freaking brilliant," it would have been OK, even though the intent behind the adverbs was the same.

Most words have little meaning without context; it's the context that lets us know whether the person using the words intends to inflict harm.

Let's look at the word "girl." Some people take offense when the word "girl" is used, even in casual conversation, to refer to an adult woman. From a feminist perspective, the word "girl" is belittling, as no one would ever casually refer to adult male colleagues, for example, as "boys." But the word "girl" itself is not taboo; people use it all the time, without controversy, to refer to young female children. Even the word "boy" in the right context is derogatory and racist, as it was used by whites to assert racial superiority in the segregated south.

Linguist Mario Pei once said: “Objections to taboos and euphemisms are of no avail whatsoever. Both constitute a definite part of usage, and both will continue, presumably, as long as language (any language) exists.” So true. Language evolves, and people will find or even create new words to connote the negative meaning they want. Ban the word fuck on TV, characters will start to say frak. Tell kids they shouldn't call the mentally disabled "retards" and they will start calling them speds instead.

The whole thing is just so silly to me. Kids will eventually learn that the word fuck exists as both a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb--and that it is awesome. Isn't it more important to teach our kids that how we use words can hurt people, rather than banning certain words from the public domain because of some weird sense of puritanism?

FOR SALE: Frosty genitals

Americans are justifiably bullshit-pissed about the $700 billion bailout of Wall Street, especially since the executives who reigned over the whole mess are going home at night to their mansions with regulation-sized squash courts. While these executives are sleeping soundly in their 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, Americans are buying billions in the most toxic mortgage-backed securities that no one else wants.

This site is why I love the Internets: www.buymyshitpile.com. This site allows you to use a form to "submit bad assets you'd like the government to take off your hands. And remember, when estimating the value of your 1997 limited edition Hanson single CD MMMbop, it's not what you can sell these items for that matters, it's what you think they are worth." My favorite things that people have posted:

Snow Penis: $5 million

Hannah Montana 3-D Glasses: $200,000

23 Pairs of "Like New" Men's Underwear: $963.97

My Girlfriend: $99.99

I don't really have any assets, unless you count my X-Files collection. (After the disastrous X-Files movie, this might count as a "bad" asset that needs to be marked down.)

I think I would like to sell my piece-o-crap TV that has wood paneling on the side. You have to whack it just right to make the sound work sometimes. But it turns on! PRICE: I would like a snow penis, please.