That's just how I roll.

I love yoga. Not the touchy-feely kind! God no. I love a yoga class that makes me sweat and my muscles shake. When I have a good yoga class, I feel strong, healthy, and eager to see how far I can push my body. But there's one yoga posture that can erase any goodwill I accumulate about my body in yoga class: the shoulder stand. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I hate it because gravity is not kind. When I lift my legs up and align them over my hips, everything sliiiiiiiides dowwwwwwwwn and forms two solid rolls of fat. And of course, with my chin pressed to my chest, I can do nothing but glare at my fat rolls for a good five minutes. It's like the final showdown scene in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, except without Clint Eastwood and his cigar. I expect a dramatic swell of music as I stare down my blubber.

The irony is, yoga geeks say this posture is supposed to stimulate the thyroid gland and boost metabolism. All it makes me want to do is put on my baggy sweat pants and Google "fat festishism." Or "bulimia."

When did Ikea go all Stanley Kubrick?

I bought a chair from Ikea this weekend. The inside front page of the assembly instructions included the graphic below.

What the hell? This character is like some demented cross between the Schmoo and the masked frequenters of the sex club in Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut.

Why does he have pitchforks for hands? And why is his nose growing out of the side of his head in the 3rd panel?

My grammar skills came later in life.

But how friggin' cute was I?

Things that make you go ew.

I was watching TV last night when I saw a commercial for the PedEgg, a "revolutionary" egg-shaped cheese-grater for feet callouses. As someone with nasty soccer feet, I admit I was semi-intrigued by this commercial.

That is, until the camera zoomed in to show a woman opening up the PedEgg and dumping her skin shavings in the trash can. Seriously, I almost hurled.

The commercial boasts that PedEgg is designed to collect skin shavings in a "convenient storage compartment." Isn't that enough? Do I need an Extreme Close-Up of the skin flakes pouring into the trash can to believe it?

It reminded me of this time I went to the doctor because I couldn't hear out of my ear. The nurse had to irrigate my ear canal to dislodge some waxy build-up (barf) that she caught in a kidney-shaped bowl.

NURSE (after she finished): Do you want to see it?
ME: Um, see what?
NURSE: Your earwax.
ME: No! (pause) Do people often ask to see it?
NURSE: Oh yeah. I get old men in here all the time who want to see the huge chunks that come out of their ears.

I have never been able to shake that visual. And now I have the "cascade of skin flakes" image to keep it company.

What a moron.

The Los Angeles Times reported that President Bush called President-Elect Obama last night and said the following:

Mr. President-elect, congratulations to you. What an awesome night for you, your family and your supporters. Laura and I called to congratulate you and your good bride.

I promise to make this a smooth transition. You are about to go on one of the great journeys of life. Congratulations and go enjoy yourself.

This reads like a cheesy wedding toast by a drunk best man. You and your good bride? What the fuck does that even mean? She's the First Lady now, moron. "One of the great journeys of life?" This ain't going to be a honeymoon to Disneyland, Mr. Bush. President Obama will be spending a lot of time picking up the pieces from your eight year "journey."

Good bride. Whatever. Good BYE.

Hope.

Over the last two years, I have resisted Obama-mania, for a lot of reasons. I disagree with him on energy policy, for one. I worry about his willingness to compromise for the sake of compromise. Mostly, after 15 years in DC, I was skeptical (and cynical) about his claim that he can somehow transcend the partisan politics that are so entrenched in this town. I voted for him, but without the fervor of most Obama supporters.

But tonight, seeing the huge outpouring of human emotion across the country after Senator Obama hit 270, witnessing people in conservative states like my home state of Indiana reject fear and vote for change, listening to Rep. John Lewis talk about what the Obama victory means to him as someone who fought for civil rights in the 1960s ... I decided.

I am giving in to hope. After the travesty of the last eight years, I am allowing myself to believe that President Obama can lead us forward.

His acceptance speech moved me not only in its honesty and humility but in its earnest and urgent call to action. Voting isn't enough; now, as a country, we need to get to work. These words actually moved me to tears, so I am going to repeat them here.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there.

I promise you, we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president. And we know the government can't solve every problem.

But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the work of remaking this nation, the only way it's been done in America for 221 years -- block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter cannot end on this autumn night.

This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were.

It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other.

Hard work, sacrifice, and service never sounded so good. Bring it on.

Fuck shit cock balls.

Today, the Supreme Court took up a dispute between the television networks and the Federal Communications Commission over whether the government can fine the networks for the "fleeting" use of profanity on live television.

Historically, the FCC held that expletives used in passing did not constitute indecency. Only repeated swearing would trigger indecency charges. Then, in 2003, Bono dropped the F-Bomb during the Golden Globe Awards, saying "This is really, really, fucking brilliant." The FCC freaked out and said broadcasters are liable for even a single profane word heard in programs aired between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.

Not surprisingly, the adjective profane has its roots in religion. It comes from the Latin for "not admitted into the temple" or "out in front of the temple" and evolved to mean "unholy, not consecrated."

As a non-religious person, I find it so odd--so fucking odd--that "we" have deemed certain words to be bad or obscene no matter what the context. I mean, Bono was using the F-Bomb to describe how incredibly awesome something was. But somehow, the F-U-C-K-I-N-G letter combination makes it profane, even though it had nothing to do with the dirty sinful act of The Sex. But if he had said, "This is really, really, freaking brilliant," it would have been OK, even though the intent behind the adverbs was the same.

Most words have little meaning without context; it's the context that lets us know whether the person using the words intends to inflict harm.

Let's look at the word "girl." Some people take offense when the word "girl" is used, even in casual conversation, to refer to an adult woman. From a feminist perspective, the word "girl" is belittling, as no one would ever casually refer to adult male colleagues, for example, as "boys." But the word "girl" itself is not taboo; people use it all the time, without controversy, to refer to young female children. Even the word "boy" in the right context is derogatory and racist, as it was used by whites to assert racial superiority in the segregated south.

Linguist Mario Pei once said: “Objections to taboos and euphemisms are of no avail whatsoever. Both constitute a definite part of usage, and both will continue, presumably, as long as language (any language) exists.” So true. Language evolves, and people will find or even create new words to connote the negative meaning they want. Ban the word fuck on TV, characters will start to say frak. Tell kids they shouldn't call the mentally disabled "retards" and they will start calling them speds instead.

The whole thing is just so silly to me. Kids will eventually learn that the word fuck exists as both a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb--and that it is awesome. Isn't it more important to teach our kids that how we use words can hurt people, rather than banning certain words from the public domain because of some weird sense of puritanism?