Happy National Unmarried and Single Americans Week!

George: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.

Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

I just wanted to wish all of my single, untethered friends a happy National Unmarried and Single Americans Week, endorsed by the Fresno Friends Social Club in Clovis, CA! Do something to celebrate. Have a one-night stand. Watch an America's Next Top Model marathon while naked and eating a brick of cheese. Plan your next vacation to a non-Disney-themed locale (assuming the global financial apocalypse holds off).

Capital punishment

Let's take a moment to admire the fine Chinese craftsmanship.

Since the media can't question the beliefs or experience of Sarah Palin without facing accusations of sexism, it is up to the free market to answer the question, who is Sarah Palin?

By introducing the first line of Sarah Palin action figures, the free market is alerting potential voters that she is either (a) an android with man-hands in an androgynous pantsuit; (b) Baby One More Time Britney; or (c) Lara Croft, if Lara Croft shopped at Forever 21.















The ENORMOUS nerd in me wonders ... could my X-Files Scully action figure take on the Palin action figure in a dance-off or bar brawl? Some factors to consider:

HAIR: PalinActionFigure has an up-do that works in the office but looks awkward on the dance floor. ScullyActionFigure's hair is red and cut in a cute bob that looks awesome when doing the running man. EDGE: ScullyActionFigure

SUIT: PalinActionFigure's suit is reminiscent of X-Files Seasons 1-3 Taupe Pantsuit Scully, before the show could afford a stylist and decided to throw a bone to the horny nerds on the Internets who saw Scully as a "thinking man's crumpet." EDGE: ScullyActionFigure

BODY: PalinActionFigure is 12 inches tall and has 21 points of articulation. ScullyActionFigure stands 6 inches tall and can bend only her elbows. Also, in addition to having cankles, ScullyActionFigure's leg is contorted in such a way that she has to lean on MulderActionFigure just to stand upright. EDGE: PalinActionFigure

WEAPONS: PalinActionFigure comes equipped with a leg-holstered .45 handgun to shoot moose, abortion doctors, and rogue Russians crossing the Bering Strait. ScullyActionFigure has a 1998-sized cell phone that doesn't even have a texting plan or Bluetooth capacity. EDGE: PalinActionFigure

Wow, we are neck and neck here.

So, like any good contest, like say, a presidential race, I am going to base my decision on how they look from the neck up.

FACE: PalinActionFigure's face is frozen in an expression that says, "If you even think of having premarital sex, reading a blasphemous Harry Potter book, or contradicting God's will, I will scorch your soul with my Bionic Eye Lasers (after I take off my $600 Kazuo Kawasaki glasses, of course)." ScullyActionFigure's face, frozen in her trademarked look of skepticism and consternation, seems to be saying, "If you even think of hurting my AlienBaby or hitting on MulderActionFigure after he gets out of rehab for his sex addiction, I will fuck your shit up." EDGE: ScullyActionFigure for being a bad-ass.

Scully wins! And I am a NERD with too much time on her hands!

The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is...

Havens Corners Church in Blacklick, Ohio generated some news coverage with its pop-culturally relevant church sign, of course referencing Katy Perry's omnipresent song.

Did anyone else giggle at the town name? Blacklick? I guess it would have been funnier if it had been [insert euphemism for vagina]lick.

The church has since removed the sign, but not because people were outraged by the bigotry. Instead, the pastor said many residents of Blacklick had never heard the song before (where the hell have they been?) and were confused. For a brief moment, hetero men in Blacklick were freaking out about the fate of their eternal souls.

I can't wait to see what people have to say about THIS sign from Sarah Palin's former church.

OK, OK, I created that sign on the Internets, but it's scary because it comes close to the truth. In a speech before the Wasilla Assembly of God a few months ago, Gov. Palin asked the audience to pray for the successful construction of a $30 billion national gas pipeline project: "I think God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that."

Gulp.

God forbid average people actually empower themselves

After I heard Rudy Giuliani introduce Sarah Palin last night and listened to her acceptance speech, I literally felt sick to my stomach and so agitated that I couldn't sleep.

I am not going to write about Gov. Palin's experience relative to Senator Obama's, her daughter's pregnancy, her ability to shoot a moose or the many half-truths and straight-up lies in her speech. (I encourage everyone to read this AP article about the latter). Instead, I want to express my utter disgust with how Giuliani and Palin mocked community organizers and how the buffoons in the audience lapped it up.

Community organizers, who can be paid professionals or volunteer citizens, work to empower communities to solve a local problem by building a base of concerned people, mobilizing these community members to act, and developing leadership from and relationships among the people involved.

Rudy Giuliani's schtick in his speech was to compare McCain and Obama as if we were just potential employers looking at their resumes "objectively." After going through McCain's qualifications, Giuliani started in on Obama's experience as a community organizer, with a note of derision in his voice. He then stopped to giggle, and said "maybe this is the first problem on the resume," while the crowd started laughing and chanting "Zero! Zero!"

So, let me get this straight. The day after the Republican National Convention focused on the theme of "service," Giuliani mocks people who have opted to devote their time and even their careers to helping other people improve their communities. Nice. And Barack Obama is the elitist?

This set the tone for Sarah Palin's later reference to Obama's experience as a community organizer. She said, with notable sarcasm, "I guess a small town mayor is sort of like a 'community organizer,' except that you have actual responsibilities." (Yeah, like trying to decide which books to ban from the local public library).

This is where Sarah Palin lost every ounce of my respect. Truth be told, I think she is a right-wing nutball, but I can respect her right to have a different opinion than mine, even though I think it is wrong. I can respect that she is a successful, articulate woman who made a career by engaging and listening to her community at PTA and city council meetings. But last night, she (articulately) regurgitated a speech, written by a former Bush speechwriter, that summarily dismissed the value of this community-level engagement and shat upon the very people she once represented in her small town, people who may not have the responsibilities of a mayor or governor but who feel every bit responsible for the health and quality of life of their families and neighbors.

The fat cats in the audience hooted and hollered at the idea of a "community organizer" because they know, they KNOW, that community organizers in the spirit of Martin Luther King, Jr. and the late Senator Paul Wellstone challenge the status quo. Judged by their belly laughs, those guys in the big cowboy hats like the status quo. A lot. Jon Stewart summarized the collective sentiment best: "To everyone out there trying to make a difference in their communities, FUCK YOU. You are bunch of asses!"

Flashback of Irony: In his 1989 inaugural address, President George H.W. Bush reminded Americans of his call for "a thousand points of light," community organizations that "spread like stars throughout the Nation, doing good."

Sigh.

Nothing communicates prosperity like fresh asphalt

The Washington Post reported today that the District Department of Transportation (DDOT) has started a $2 million project to re-pave and "spruce up" a large stretch of Pennsylvania Avenue in time for the January inauguration of Jobama or Pain, as I've taken to calling the two presidential tickets (trademark pending).

The kicker: the road doesn't need re-paving. Not a pothole in sight. But DDOT says Pennsylvania Avenue is a "showcase for DDOT" and wants it to "look perfect for Inauguration Day." This makes Pennsylvania Avenue sound like a bride visiting the TriBeCa MedSpa before her wedding day. "This is your special day, and you need to look like a princess. How about a little Botox, some wrinkle-filler and some airbrush tanning to freshen you up for your wedding photos, you old hag?" Don't forget the bridesmaids.

All the cosmetic surgery in the world won't make you a princess, just deluded and a little fucked up, like the DC government.

Seriously? $2 million to pave a road that doesn't need paving? At a time when gasoline prices are on the rise and global warming is drowning polar bears, our scarce transportation dollars should go toward making it easier for people to take public transit. Instead, the DC government spends $2 million to Botox a road.

In the meantime, the DC Metro system, alone among major U.S. transit systems, does not have a dedicated source of revenue for capital improvements. As a result, the Metro continues to experience breakdowns, delays and disruptions due to deteriorating infrastructure and equipment problems, making the daily commute even more soul-sucking than it already is.

I guess the DC government is guessing (correctly) that the pomp of the Inauguration will serve as a bright, shiny object to distract people attending the festivities or watching them on the TV from DC's reality: under-performing public schools, rampant child poverty, violent crime, and glut of political hack douchebags. Oh, and that taxation without representation thing.

But the pavement is so beautiful!

Whistle while you work to shut the hell up

To the guy behind me in the interminable airport security line who has been whistling for the last 20 minutes:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Do you really think anyone wants to hear your painfully off-key rendition of whatever little ditty you are composing in your head? Do you think this is creating a positive, relaxing ambiance for your fellow travelers?

It's not. You are the squeaky wheel of a dysfunctional shopping cart. You are the squeaky floorboard of an annoying upstairs neighbor. You are a squeaky door that prevents a horny teenager from sneaking out of his parents' house.

Did the numerous people turning around to give you the Stink Eye not clue you in? Or did you take this as encouragement to continue to torture your captive audience?

Forget waterboarding. The CIA should hire YOU.